By Elio Wilder (they/them)

A lesson in basic grammar and gender expression.

Pronouns. You may be very familiar with them, or you may be completely unaware of them. Either way, you just read them three times in the past two sentences. Pronouns are alternatives to nouns. We use them to talk about people without using their name. 

This may seem incredibly obvious, but as it becomes increasingly common to identify with pronouns other than those typically prescribed to a certain sex or gender presentation, bigots are denying their existence altogether. This article is a recap on what pronouns are, and how you can be mindful and inclusive of all gender identities and pronoun choices.  

You probably use pronouns such as she/her/hers/herself, he/his/him/himself, they/them/theirs/themself (singular), and they/them/theirs/themselves (plural or singular), everyday. These are standard parts of the English language.  

The pronouns ‘she’ and ‘he’ have been historically tied to gender, whilst ‘they’ has been used to describe plural form. However, ‘they/them' pronouns are also singular, gender-neutral alternatives to ‘he’ or ‘she’. You probably already use ‘they/them’ in the singular form when talking about someone whose pronouns you don’t know.  

“Caitlin told me she really liked her substitute teacher because they let her sit next to her best friend.” 

In this example, Caitlin’s pronouns are ‘she/her’ and the substitute teacher’s are unknown. You should use ‘they/them’ pronouns if you’re unsure and aren’t able to ask. You likely already do this subconsciously if you have no information about the person. However, most people have a habit of assuming gender once they see someone or know their name. And by extension, assume pronouns based on gender. More on this later. 

So, if someone asks what your pronouns are, they’re asking how they should reference you when not using your name. Using the correct pronouns, just like using the correct name, is an essential part of showing respect. 

Pronouns and gender identity 

Gender identity is the personal sense of having a particular gender. Like sexual orientation, it is not a choice.  

We currently live in a cis-normative society, which assigns people pronouns at birth based on their genitalia. This does not take into account whether this will align with one’s gender identity. Gender attribution at birth is the beginning of the unnecessary division of people based on anatomy.   

Sometimes transgender people change their pronouns (and/or name) to align with their gender identity. For example, a trans woman may change her pronouns from ‘he/him’ (as assigned by society at birth) to ‘she/her’. A non-binary person may change their pronouns to ‘they/them’.  

Sometimes people use more than one set of pronouns. In this case you should try to use them interchangeably instead of fixating on one. But you can always ask a multi-pronoun-set user if they have a preference. Some people use ‘>’ as opposed to ‘/’ to indicate their preference (e.g. they>she). For example, a non-binary person who was assigned male at birth may use ‘he/they’ (or ‘they/he’) to reflect being socialised as a man, but identifying as non-binary. 

A cis-person may also change their pronouns, often to reflect their willingness to not be defined by gender or to unsubscribe from the construct of gender as a whole. For example, a cis-woman may use ‘she/they’, ‘they/them’, or a different pronoun set.  

Other multi-pronoun-sets include ‘he/she/they’ or ‘any pronouns’. Again, use these pronouns interchangeably instead of fixating on one. 

Genderfluid people may change their pronouns often to reflect their gender identity at the time. 

The key takeaway here is gender identity and pronouns do not define one another.          

What does this mean for you?

• Put your pronouns in your social media bio and email signature. Normalising asking for someone’s pronouns is crucial in breaking down cis-normative society. Even if you are cis-gendered and using pronouns typically associated with your gender, displaying your pronouns is a sign of solidarity and normalises not making assumptions. To avoid performative activism, be sure to foster a safe space on your platform by using the correct pronouns for others.

• Stop assuming gender based on appearance, the sound of someone’s voice, or name. Stop assuming pronouns based on gender. This can be a difficult habit to break. Changing your thoughts is an ongoing process, but once you become aware of the subconscious ways you’ve been gendering people, it becomes easier to correct.  

• Educate and expose yourself to people of all genders on social media. I recommend following @lesbiansnowwhite AKA The Pronoun Gal on tiktok for a more detailed explanation of pronouns.  

• Practice using the right pronouns for celebrities. You may not know anyone going by ‘they/them’, but you do know Demi Lovato! This is a great way to practice incorporating correct pronouns into conversation. Next time you’re discussing a celeb, check up on their pronouns first.  

• Give your pronouns when you meet someone. “Hi, I’m …. And my pronouns are….” I understand this is easier said than done, because you may come across people who are bigoted or ignorant in the process, which is exhausting. A good way to start is by doing this in queer spaces, where it is more common. If someone introduces themselves to you with their pronouns, be sure to provide yours in return.  

• Self-correct when you make a mistake. Or if you get corrected by someone else, apologise, thank them for letting you know, and correct. Simple! Correct others if you notice they make a mistake too. This doesn’t have to be confrontational, just a simple “by the way, this is the right pronoun for that person”. 

What are neopronouns?

Neopronouns means “new pronouns”, although some have been around for decades. They are mostly gender-neutral pronouns used as alternatives to ‘they/them’. Some originated in literature, others online. Some are more widely used than other. Anything can be a neopronoun, but they usually follow a similar structure. Some people like to come up with their own pronouns, although this isn’t very common. 

Xe/Xem, which has been used in literature, is one of the more common neopronoun sets. 

The concept of different pronoun sets may be unfamiliar to you, but they are becoming increasingly more normalised. I am sure that within my lifetime, we will no longer be assuming gender or pronouns based on arbitrary factors like appearance.  

I hope you found this quick lesson helpful and easy to apply to your life.