By Maggie Mackenzie (she/her)

CW: mentions of sexual assault, male aggression, rape, toxic masculinity

Last Sunday marked the official first day of our collab campaign with YouthCan! Throughout the month, OWP’s blog will be discussing a range of topics surrounding the depictions of relationships in media, gendered behaviours and toxic masculinity, and consent. Keep an eye out on our socials and check back each week for a new blog!

A few months ago, I decided to head down memory lane and do a re-watch of The Vampire Diaries. Something I had been putting off for a while – 2000’s shows have a habit of not aging well. But, I was bored and sick of scrolling through Netflix’s recommended section, so I chose something familiar.

Back in high school, The Vampire Diaries was my go-to study binge-watch. I fell in love with Bonnie Bennet, cried when a character died (and then miraculously came back to life), and became an ardent klaroline fan. And slowly, as the series progressed, I began to fall for the main love interest, Damon Salvatore, everyone’s favourite bad boy vampire. And it was only on this latest re-watch, that I realised just how problematic that obsession was.

Around this time, the marches for Violence Against Women were happening all over the country. People were rallying together to protest against the treatment of women, the significant lack of education on the normalisation of violence, and the continual acceptance of male aggression and toxic masculinity. And here I was, watching a male character, who I had romanticised for years, enacting the very same behaviour we were protesting against.

When Damon is first introduced to us in the series, he begins ‘dating’ Caroline Forbes, the main female protagonist’s (Elena Gilbert) best friend, as a way of establishing his dominance and intervention in Stephen and Elena’s lives. Damon uses compulsion (a form of mind control) to force Caroline into a sexual relationship, frequently feeds on her, and instructs her to not tell any of her friends. Caroline is not only isolated and continually gaslit, but also never actively gives her consent to Damon, as compulsion, ultimately, does not equate to consent. As the relationship progresses, she becomes visibly distressed that she is unable to recollect her own memories, and when Caroline tries to break the compulsion or run away, Damon not only threatens her life and physically abuses her, but also continues to subject her to his compulsion and sexual assault.

Not only is this portrayal an incredibly disturbing display of male aggression, violence, and coercive control, but also, what is arguably more distressing and problematic, is the fact that as soon as the show begins to position Damon as a main love interest, his toxic and violent behaviour is excused, forgiven, and in many ways, becomes a desirable attribute about his character. We forget his assault of Caroline, fawn over his ‘lack’ of violence towards Elena, and cast off his aggression as a side effect of his vampirism.

In fact, this seems to be an incredibly common theme within supernatural and fantasy fiction, where male aggression is often excused by the character’s lack of ‘humanness’ and their possession of animalistic traits, or ‘the other’. We see this in Teen Wolf, Lucifer, Twilight, or even the A Court of Thorns and Roses book series, where male characters express protection and love through territorialism and aggression, because that is what, as magical creatures, they are conditioned to do. The problem, however, is that despite attributing aggression to the animalistic side of a character, they still present as human, and are portraying relationships that audiences are inclined and encouraged to relate to.

Unfortunately, supernatural and fantasy-based shows are not the only places we see the fetishisation of male aggression. And while most are not as psychopathic, or display serial killer tendencies like Damon, there are still many instances, and perhaps even more dangerous, where contemporary stories and characters are plagued by instances of violence, aggression, and possessiveness. Whether it’s Noah from The Kissing Booth assaulting other men, fighting for Elle’s attention, or blatantly being controlling and protective of Elle. Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey perpetuating depictions of rough sex that are purely shot from the pleasure of a male. Or Chuck Bass of Gossip Girl, who not only tried to rape Jenny and Serena in the early seasons, but was also so possessive over Blair to the point of denying her happiness unless she was with him.

In fact, the aggression may not always be targeted to, or surrounding women. It could simply be two men getting aggressive and competitive in sport (Like Scott McCall and Jackson in Teen Wolf). Or sexualising the strength in a male character like Archie Andrews of Riverdale, by highlighting his body while boxing. What all these men undoubtably share, is the fact that they are almost always our main male (and more often than not, heterosexual) love interests.

It makes us question, therefore, if we are constantly centring male aggression with romantic love, how this is affecting the expectations of what a ‘healthy’ relationship should look like, as well as the behaviours that should be accepted by women. It is also incredibly important to note that this behaviour, while prominently marketed to heterosexual relationships, can translate to the expectations of any relationship, heterosexual or not. 

Of course, it is not just young women who are affected by this. By normalising male aggression, young adult media is giving the green light to young men that it’s okay to be aggressive because you’re a man, and that’s just how men are. It supports the notion that young boys tease, harass, and bully young girls just because they like them, and ultimately invalidates male emotions, positioning aggression as the only form of expression, no matter if it’s love, anger, sadness, or guilt.

 These depictions are as potentially dangerous to men, just as much as women, and not to mention non-binary people. The continual encouragement of toxic masculinity and gendered behaviours, only reinforces the concept of gender all together, leaving little to no room for the existence of gender fluid people and the abolishment of heteronormativity.

What is concerning, however, is that the target audience for many of these teen drama/romance stories, are women. A study on the romanticisation of adolescent dating violence by Aviva Jacobstein, found that “female adolescents who spend more time viewing romantic television shows are more likely to value traditional gender roles in dating relationships,” while idealising the very notion of romance. As such, these portrayals are only confirmation that this is the treatment women should be accepting, excusing, and desiring. This becomes even more dangerous for young people already in toxic or abusive relationships, as it provides young women with the allowance to forgive their male partners, because they want a semblance of the relationships and love depicted on screen, and are scared to go against the system that tells us we should be with and please men. It suggests that being in a relationship is more important than your own safety and the healthiness of the relationship itself.

As a teenager with very little experience in romance, the majority of my knowledge and learning when it concerned dating came from the shows I was watching and books I was reading. I clearly remember justifying my ex-boyfriend’s behaviour against Damon’s character. “If Elena can still love Damon despite his behaviour, I have nothing to complain about,” I thought. And while I am very privileged in the fact that my experience had very little to do with male aggression, and more with problematic male behaviour in general, the fact that I was using a toxic male from a tv show as a marker of what I should be accepting and putting up with, is terrifying to think about.

By showing men like Damon constantly targeting women (whether to be killed, fed on, or sexually abused), or Noah feeling entitled to control a woman simply because he loves her, or Chuck Bass being openly aggressive in romantic conflicts, we are normalising male violence against women as culturally acceptable and only supporting the toxicity of heteronormativity. It is not just a romanticisation of male aggression, but a forgiveness of it.

What I find entirely fascinating, is our insistence to ship other female characters with these aggressive men. Take Dramione (Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger) for example, or Klaroline (Klaus Mikaelson and Caroline Forbes), or Khal Drogo and Dany from Game of Thrones. We find it sexy, desirable, and romantic. The young woman taming the beast of a man. When in reality, it’s just problematic and dangerous. It supports the ‘need’ for women to be protected and looked after. The want to be fought over. Or the want for male jealousy and attention.

And yet, knowing all this, I still find myself rooting for Elena and Damon, or Klaus and Caroline, or Chuck and Blair, because of this fantasy that is built around their relationship and the romanticisation of their toxicity. So regardless of whether or not we may be internalising it in our own lives and relationships, the way we fantasise about fictional characters and their pairings, is a clear indication that these values and ideologies are prevalent, and have potential of spreading into the real world in one way or another.

Damon Salvatore is among one of the many male characters that I have come to revaluate my obsession with, and despite his ‘redemption arc’ and character development throughout the later series, I still struggle to disengage from the aggression I’ve witnessed and come to fully understand.

I think it’s important that we start looking at shows we watched in our youth and notice the implicit, or overly explicit, ways they have affected our judgement when it comes to healthy relationships, consent, and violence against women. For me, it really hammers home the argument that while yes, we want more women and non-binary people in the forefront of our stories, that the conversation needs to start leaning towards how we can learn to stop writing toxic and aggressive men, and create healthy and representative media for our youth today.