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Getting a grip on Pregnancy Anxiety

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By Emily Rawle (she/her)

CW: mention of pregnancy and abortion  

Anxiety is prevalent in many aspects of our lives, especially as feminists. We worry about things all the time, and can handle many things that make us anxious, regardless of whether we understand them or not. But there's no doubt, that the prospect of an unplanned pregnancy is a very daunting and anxiety inducing prospect.  

Every month, people who experience monthly periods can do the right thing and be safe when it comes to having sex. But, when one partner has a uterus and the other does not, there is always a risk that a new life could result. And it can only take one time, one mistake.  

If you always feel panic and dread over the possibility of being pregnant, despite all the steps taken for protection, you may be experiencing Pregnancy Anxiety.  

It is not the fear of giving birth (which is Tokophobia) but an anxiety over experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Pregnancy is a life-altering event, and the idea of it can be distressing for people who aren’t ready. I know I want to have kids in the future, but the idea of becoming unexpectantly pregnant terrifies me. 

Like any type of anxiety, telling yourself that everything is fine can have a minimal effect, and it can be draining and distracting. And with Pregnancy Anxiety, there is often only relief when nature gives you the signal that everything is fine; in the form of a period.  

As I started thinking about writing this piece, I realised not only how wide-spread this anxiety is, but also how silent it is on impact. Out of everyone I asked (including the lovely team at One Woman Project), almost all said that they understood completely what I was talking about, and how much it sucks. There was also a communal sense of relief, and even excitement, at talking about this; as though people were grateful that someone finally said it! Because of this; I’m convinced that there is a population of people experiencing this anxiety and are not talking about it, or even knowing that it has a name.  

When you think about it, Pregnancy Anxiety makes so much sense— if you're able to get pregnant, and are predominantly having sexual relationships with cis men, there's always a chance that it can happen. Even if the pregnancy is terminated, the discovery can severely impact one's life and relationships. Not everyone who has periods thinks about this, but there’s enough understanding that I believe this should be a normalised conversation topic. Because if it is something so relatable, why does it feel so isolating to experience? And why don’t we talk about it more?  

Anxiety relies on feelings of irrationality, because when we feel like our anxiety is over nothing, we feel alone. Relief in opening up and talking to others can bring so much peace, even for a short while. Even when others don’t get it, just being able to talk about the anxiety can make it easier to deal with.  

As far as I’ve witnessed; people (even those who have never had a period) completely understand. The idea makes sense; why wouldn’t there be worry over an unplanned pregnancy? It’s not a sign of hysteria, and it is not irrational to think that it could be a possibility.  

We all have our own ways of coping with anxiety, for instance; I try to let the time pass and wait for the worried thoughts to go away on their own. But I know that’s not proactive, nor does it address the underlying issues, because in the end, it’s just going to come back like clockwork. It’s not exactly the best way to handle anxiety, and relies heavily on my dedication to telling myself “Don’t worry, it’s fine” hundreds of times over. 

According to Headspace, anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried, and when those feelings don’t go away, it can begin to impact your life. It is recommended that when you begin to experience anxiety regularly that you:  

  • Take deep breaths or slow your breathing – Taking control of your breathing is a good way to disrupt an anxious cycle 

  • Practice self-care – Managing anxiety starts with practicing good self-care, which includes eating well and staying active 

  • Take note of your thought pattern – Understanding your triggers can help you to better manage them  

Also, it is recommended that alcohol and caffeine intake be limited, as they can aggravate anxiety and panic. Anxiety is experienced by millions of people at a time, and there are many ways to express and handle it. For prolonged and intense anxiety, therapy and counselling may be useful. Sometimes even speaking to people about anxiety can provide relief from the pressure of bottling it up. In my experience, having a supportive partner makes all the difference, so partners of people who experience Pregnancy Anxiety need to show understanding and support, not ask more questions and invite uncertainty. At the end of the day, there are always ways to help and you are never alone. 

Ultimately, there needs to be more open discussions about sex-related worries and induced anxieties, with both people who have periods and people who don’t. For instance, there is also anxiety pertaining to contracting STI’s, because like pregnancy, it can happen without warning, and in spite of protection. It makes as much logical sense to people who are sexually active to be worried about this, as well as an unplanned pregnancy. Yet, these fears are kept hidden because of feelings of irrationality or shyness over discussing a sexual topic. This means also actively listening and supporting people when having this conversation.    

When talking about it with others, I have noticed there is a correlation between sexually related anxieties and education. Are you more likely to be anxious because there’s a lacking in sexual education in schools? Most learn about sexual health through independent research or by watching media, when we want answers to questions that aren’t addressed during the short time we learn about sex in school (for me, it was one term in year nine). Unfortunately, with independent research comes the risk of misinformation; such as contraception myths, what actually is an STI, and not to mention how easy it is to fall pregnant. This is why sexual education is so important. The more sexually educated everyone becomes, the less confusion and more understanding and open conversations there will be. 

In light of all this, there also needs to be an acknowledgement that pregnancy is not easy for others to achieve intentionally. Many may be worried about becoming pregnant when they’re not ready, but then experience difficulty later in life.  

As such, there are a range of worries over the functions of our bodies, and the complexities that accompany pregnancy, from the anxieties of getting pregnant, to the fear of never being able to have children. As I mentioned before, the fear of having children and giving birth is called Tokophobia, in which there are two types. Secondary Tokophobia is experienced by people who have already had children and were traumatised by the experience. Whereas Primary Tokophobia is experienced by people who have never had kids, and is anxiety over the idea of an impending birth.  

When researching anxiety around pregnancy, there is the expectation that one must be pregnant, or have been pregnant, in order to have Tokophobia. And the fear always surrounds the experience of giving birth (e.g., the pain), and never the wider implications of having a child being a life-altering event. I used to believe I had Primary Tokophobia, before I realised that I wasn't enduring a spooky phobia, but rather anxiety. 

My question is; why is this not talked about more? Why did I have to figure this out through my own intuition, rather than be supported by others and told that it’s something I don’t suffer alone. I encourage others to break this cycle, tell your close friends when you’re scared that something is wrong, and communicate with your partner that you're anxious or worried. At the end of the day, the more we talk about things that plague our minds, the more likely we'll be able to move forward and live an anxiety free life. 

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If you are interested in learning more about this topic, I have listed some of my favourite resources, even a piece I wrote about Tokophobia:   

Sources mentioned:  

Headspace - https://headspace.org.au/young-people/what-is-anxiety-and-the-effects-on-mental-health/  

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