By Kelsey McComb
Content warning: mentions of anorexia and eating disorders
The numbers on
The bathroom scale
Were not
Just numbers to me
Anymore.
They turned into
The thing that determines my worth.
A reminder
That I’m still not skinny enough
To be loved yet.
A reminder that
I still need to lose more weight.
Maybe I shouldn’t eat today.
When I heard the comments like
“You want more food?”
And “are you sure you need more?”
My appetite began to wither away.
When I started rapidly losing weight
Everyone congratulated me
And said I looked good.
But when they say
I look good
All I hear is
“You’re not sick enough, yet.”
When people tell me
I’m getting thinner and thinner
It gives me more motivation
To continue
The vicious cycle of
Anorexia.
So I began eating less
And less
And less
Until the numbers on the scale
Would drop
Rapidly.
When someone asks how I do it
I say “I don’t know, eat healthy and exercise.”
I should listen
To my own words
Because starving myself
And spending countless
Hours looking in the mirror
Is not “eating healthy and exercising”.
It is a death sentence.
I spend most of my time
Scrolling through my Instagram feed
Looking at cake
Or cookie recipes
Imagining the
Calories in
Each
Individual
Ingredient.
I say all bodies are beautiful
So why am I
Having a hard time accepting mine?
Anorexia is not the
Dizziness
Fatigue
Osteoporosis
Loss of menstruation
Dehydration
Low body temperature
Sensitivity to cold
Low blood pressure
Bruising
And
Hair loss.
Anorexia is also the
Guilt
Shame
Pain
Scorn
Heart-break
And tears.
I consider
Every body
Beautiful
But when it comes to mine
I always
Manage to
Make an exception
To shame it.
My hips are too wide
Even though my
Pelvic bone is sticking out.
My stomach isn’t flat enough
Even though I can see my ribs.
My thighs are too big
Even though my sister
Said she would kill to look like me.
Sticks and stones
Never broke my bones
But words broke me so much
I starved my body
Until the only thing left of me
Was skin and bones.
This poem talks about my personal struggle with anorexia. I started struggling with it in September, 2020. I’m currently two months into recovery! I wanted to write this because it is so important to talk about eating disorders and the effects they can have on someone mentally and physically. Members of society have glamorised the idea of having an eating disorder, when the reality of it is not so cute.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder and/or disordered eating, a step I found helpful is to tell a trusted adult. Telling someone automatically makes it easier. Once you’ve told someone you trust, you can figure out steps to help get yourself recovered. And I promise recovery is SO worth it!
Some great resources I found very helpful in my recovery! — ANAD , NEDA , Liv Label Free
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