Calling out your friends is a feminist act

By Bridget Gibbs MSc. (she/they)

CW: ableist; homophobic; fatphobic; racist; sexist, transphobic. 

I acknowledge that I am working, living, and benefitting from Meanjin land (occupied Brisbane). Sovereignty over this invaded land has never been ceded by the Yuggera and Turrbal people, whose rights and abilities to self-govern are yet to be acknowledged.  I may refer specifically to First Nations/Blak people (ie. Aboriginal and/ or Torres Strait Islander peoples); I am a white person so ‘we’, ‘our’ and ‘ours’ will henceforth refer collectively to other white people and I. 

Did my friend really just say that??!! (Illustration by me, 2020).

Have you ever been in a situation where a close friend has made a comment that was offensive or hurtful? Even though we may not have been the target of the comment, jokes and remarks about a person’s gender, sexual orientation, race or body can be damaging. This can be even more perplexing when made by a close friend.

It might not feel like it at the time, but calling out your friends, in any situation, is a feminist act. As intersectional feminists, we have opportunities every day to call out our friends or family if they make ableist, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, or religiously-charged remarks. No matter how small the comment was, and no matter what tone the comment was made in, we are all responsible for the conversation that should follow.  

A topical example of a situation might go as follows: you have witnessed a friend make a statement like “why does it matter that Djab Wurrung trees are cut down if the new road will benefit many people?”. As we know, the trees in question belong on Djab Wurrung country (in so-called Victoria) to the Djab Wurrung people (more information here). These are culturally sacred and significant, not to mention beautiful and environmentally vital (due to the amount of carbon they would have sequestered in their lifetimes and in terms of the habitats they provide). Sissy Eileen Austin, a Djab Wurrung woman writes:

“Country is who we are, country is what guides us and what grounds us in all that we do as First Nations people. This particular 12km stretch, where the expansion of a road between Melbourne and Adelaide is planned, holds a deep intimate connection for Djab Wurrung women, with birthing trees that are more than 800 years old. Thousands of generations of Djab Wurrung babies have been born in this country. Over the last two years Djab Wurrung people have risen to protect these trees. Our determination to rise has been fuelled by the deep power our country holds. That power is one that guards our spirit and our soul when coming up against the coloniser” (Austin 2020). 

Still think it’s ‘not your place’ to speak up, but you consider yourself a feminist?

Intersectional feminists are not solely concerned with problems related to sex and gender. Feminism that is not inclusive of race and other factors, is not feminism at all. Utilising Kimberlé Crenshaw’s explanation, intersectional feminists take into account the many overlapping and intertwining factors that may shape a person’s life, encompassing gender, race, class, ability and more. Crenshaw writes:

“Feminist efforts to politicize experiences of women and antiracist efforts to politicize experiences of people of color' have frequently proceeded as though the issues and experiences they each detail occur on mutually exclusive terrains. Although racism and sexism readily intersect in the lives of real people, they seldom do in feminist and antiracist practices.” (Crenshaw 1991, p. 1241)

When we integrate these various factors and recognize that issues of gender and race don’t operate on “… mutually exclusive terrains” (Crenshaw 1991), we can more accurately work to dismantle oppressive systems and practices.

Knowing this information, how do we respond to our friend? The intention is not to humiliate but to make room for learning.

The act of calling someone out should not be intended to humiliate the other person (even though being angry and upset are very valid reactions). The motivation behind pulling someone up on something they have said, is to help them to see why it has or may cause offence. In our example, our friend seems to show a clear disconnect or disregard for the destruction of culturally significant land. They are attempting to make a trade-off against caring for Djab Wurrung people and land, versus the convenience of a new road for others. Our friend has made a racist statement, whether they acknowledge this or not, and it is up to us to expand on why these trees are significant, and why it is all of our responsibility to care. The destruction and degradation of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander land and places of significance is not a new phenomenon. It is our duty to listen as the colonisers of this country, and it is up to us to be actively anti-racist every day.

If we do not take this opportunity to explain why the comment was hurtful (or racist and insensitive in this case), our friend may continue to hold a racist opinion, and there is a chance that the comment will be made again. In some cases, the person might not understand how their words could be hurtful, and in other cases the other person is already aware that what they have said (jokingly or otherwise) is offensive, but it is our job to remind them that we will not stand for it.

Avoid the Bystander Effect

There is never a ‘perfect time’ to tell someone that they have made a comment that is offensive, insensitive, or hurtful. It is also not easy to question people that you care about, but if you do not speak up, you are complicit in the comment or opinion being made acceptable in that setting. There are many reasons for us to avoid wanting to discuss a hurtful comment. Not wanting to ‘disturb the peace’, ‘cause a scene’ or ‘create a confrontation’ are some common examples. ‘The comment wasn’t aimed at me, so I don’t have a right to speak on behalf of others who may find it offensive’ is another potential reason for not wanting to speak up. Whatever the excuse, when we engage in these defences as to why we should stay silent, we have become bystanders. Confessing after the fact that you are not okay with what was said does not alleviate you from your responsibility to tell the person that what they said was wrong.

From my understanding of the word, bystanders see or hear events unfold, but do not necessarily act on them. Watching or hearing something unfold, agreeing that it is wrong, and not actively working to help or change what has happened makes you complicit, and places you on the side of the perpetrator. In other words, being a bystander fundamentally means that you are contributing to the comment or issue becoming socially acceptable.

We must remember to look after ourselves, however, in these situations. If you are not comfortable discussing the comments made in a group setting, you might take the friend aside and explain why their words were not cool. Staying silent is not an appropriate response if you were offended by a friend’s words, so to the best of your ability, take the opportunity to show them why.

If you would like to discuss anything mentioned here please do not hesitate to send me a message at b.gibbs@onewomanproject.org, or connect with the wonderful OWP Team on Facebook and Instagram (‘One Woman Project’).

References & Reading List