I stand with Bishop Budde and here’s why
By Faith Start-Essenburg (she/her)
Content warnings: references to misogyny and bigotry
For all the people feeling everything from outrage to sadness over the fallout from a humble plea by a bishop.
There are some men who just cannot be spoken to by a woman. I mean spoken to in any real and meaningful way. I remember when I realised this, when I understood that anything I said - no matter how calmly and respectfully - would not be heard, it would instead be minimised and dismissed. I had learned that if I were to say anything of real importance it had to be written down. That way when my words were twisted, misunderstood, and thrown back in my face, I would be able to take strength in knowing what I had said.
This is no way to have real relationships but it was what I had to do, and still have to do in some situations.
I have found that some men will interact with me nicely and even be kind, until I do or say something that threatens their ego or sense of control. Many people come off so nicely to those on the outside, while those on the inside, those closest to them, are slowly breaking due to their manipulation tactics. The need to maintain control, to have the upper hand, to feel better than, smarter than and above others (especially above women and children), runs deep in the subconscious of too many men in our society.
You know the saying, ‘Speak the truth even when your voice shakes’? What woman who has come into her own strength and power doesn’t know this all too well. The countless times that I’ve had to work up the strength and courage, to summon just the right words, use just the right tone in order to share my heart and the things that burdened me. Through cold sweat, sick stomach and small shaking voice I spoke truth, my truth.
Oh my heart is heavy remembering the young girl from long ago whose heart was so alone and broken. All she wanted and longed for was someone - anyone - to truly see her and understand her. For her words, thoughts, and ideas to matter to someone else too. There were brief moments of feeling seen or heard, and I clung to those like my life depended on it. Maybe it did.
Over the years I found my voice, I found clarity and understanding that this is a much bigger issue; in families, in churches, in work places. Some people have a hard time hiding their ego and it’s clear off the bat that they will only hear themselves and others who can support and praise them. Others will be kind as long as you hold the same values, but once you step out from that narrow mindset into your own power, all bets are off and you better brace yourself for the gloves to come off.
My heart hurts for my younger self who, years later, was blindsided by egos and patriarchal pride coming out of the woodwork. By men trying to keep me quiet, submissive, and in line. The truth is I was in line, just no longer in their line. I had come into alignment with my heart and knew the path I had to take.
I’ve spent years navigating my interactions with people like this, no amount of patience, of keeping quiet to keep the peace, and no amount of speaking the truth respectfully will do a damn bit of good on their part. As far as I have seen, these men won’t change, but I can change and change I did. I responded to their pride and ego with humility, their control with encouraging others to be themselves, and their deep need for power by keeping an open heart and holding grace for others while standing confidently in my truth.
My heart swelled to see Bishop Budde stand in confidence and gracefully ask the president of The United States Of America to ‘have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now’, and reminding those in places of power that, ‘Our God teaches us that we are to be merciful to the stranger for we were all once strangers in this land. May God grant us the strength and courage to honour the dignity of every human being, to speak the truth to one another in love. and walk humbly with each other and our God for the good of all people.’
My guess is that Bishop Budde in her wisdom knew that her words would fall flat on the ears that most needed to hear and she chose to listen to that voice inside telling her to speak it anyway. Speak it for those who can’t, for those watching and listening, for those unable to speak up for themselves in their churches, families, marriages and governments. And always we speak up for ourselves, to know that we said what needed to be said.
With her still small voice, sharing from her heart. I am so glad she did.
Looking at the woman I am today, I see I am in safe and supportive relationships, in a home where everyone’s voice matters even when we don’t agree. I’ve had to fight like hell to keep a soft and open heart. To know that all men are not like this, all churches or republicans are not like this. I have hard earned understanding and I’m able to use what I know to listen and love others well.
So, from someone who wasn’t always able to speak up, who was made to feel less than worthy, less than qualified, less than a man, thank you for using your voice.
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