By Emily Rawle (she/her)
We have all overcompensated before, whether we admit it or not. We can pretend that things are fine when they aren’t by drawing attention towards something positive. Sometimes overcompensation is natural and fosters healthy development, however, in a marriage: overcompensation is a red flag, and the year of 2022 gave us many examples of this in action.
Relationships are complicated, and people make mistakes, however, relationships have boundaries, and there are ways that they can be broken. Allegedly, “20% of men and 13% of women reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married” (IFS, 2017). LGBTHero conducted a survey in 2021 and reported findings that 52% of participating queer men admitted to being unfaithful in a relationship. There is always a cheating scandal in the news-cycle, and people consume them with Schadenfreude. When celebrities cheat, people cling to gossip and sensationalised tropes and gender stereotypes. We’ve seen it happen with Beyonce, Sandra Bullock and Gwen Stefani, wherein successful and beautiful women get a narrative of “poor her,” while the men who cheated move on (or remain in the marriage) and the outsider is hunted and dragged. If there’s any comfort that comes from this; it’s that these statistics paint the picture that being cheated on is not your fault. It is not a personal failure for a partner to wander beyond the relationship's boundaries.
Introducing ‘The Wife Guy’
Couple in wedding attire. Source: Unsplash
For a man who has made being a “wife guy” part of his brand, the ‘wife’ is just a word, she is a concept, a part of brand for others to digest and enjoy. She provides him with stories to make into content. At least that’s until she ventures on her own projects, and people who follow her husband branch out to follow her. In the case where the wife is also famous, this is very different, she can have her own fans and run her own narrative. Which may even completely contradict how the husband portrays the relationship outwardly. Sometimes people make relationships very outward facing, they make content with each other, or in the case of some entertainers, make their relationship part of their personal branding.
In psychology, overcompensation is a defence mechanism, by overcompensating, someone is disguising inadequacies, frustration and stresses, by directing attention towards areas where they excel. The term ‘overcompensation’ implies the misuse or the disguise failing to outsiders.
The pros of compensating are a fostering of self-esteem and a focus on positives and strengths, but the cons of overcompensating come with the risk of unhealthy behaviour (Cherry, 2022). The most relevant example of overcompensation in relationships is the social phenomenon known as: “The Wife Guy,” because the juxtaposition of a man who preaches love for his wife while he is having affairs has massive irony. In which a man farms a positive reputation from overperforming marital bliss, while hiding a secret of infidelity or other behaviours.
There are many obvious benefits of having a positive “wife-guy” reputation, more opportunities and community respect with, less risk. Societally, men are already in an advantageous position. From being paid at a statistically higher level than women with the same education and experience to inherently being less afraid of things like sexual assault compared to women. By being a male entertainer with the reputation of wholesomeness and performing as an ideal husband, the benefits widen. Audiences are more likely to trust and give the benefit of the doubt to any actions by the man. A man can use the lessons of marriage and his own realisation of male privilege in a way that is “quirky” and entertaining for men and women alike.
To shield their own insecurities, failures and misdeeds within the relationship Husbandry/Wifery the over-compensators direct attention to their direct commitment and adoration, which is performed in a way to put normal relationships to shame or deflect doubt or questions about the relationship. People like John Mulaney and Ned Fulmer, and TV show ‘Friends’ fan favourite Ross Gellar all happened to use their performative spousal-hood to aid their success and fame and career pathways. After all, fans knew them as “wife guys.” Women adored them for their devotion, and men found the act adorable and even admirable. While being known for loving their wives didn’t make their entire careers— it sure helped to be known as wife-guys!
Yes, a man can make an entire brand from talking about their wife without being labelled obsessive or cringe. A man can make comedy and spectacle out of going above and beyond for a woman, because he is the one idolising her in a way that is wholesome and unexpected. Being a ‘wife guy’ has become synonymous with wholesomeness, modern romance and reliability.
Just another take on ‘The Family Guy’
The “Wife guy” isn’t totally new, men have always received benefits from being attached to a traditional marriage and way of life, especially in previous generations. A “Family man” is a heteronormative and likely conservative man who financially, socially and professionally benefits from appearing wholesome and idealistic in his home life. There is a range of research that shows men get promotions faster and negotiate salaries more when they’re seen as being a “Family guy” or a “Wife guy” because they’re still seen as the breadwinners who need to take on the financial burden of their family. “Family Men”, exemplify traditional heteronormative lifestyle and masculinity, and pair with women who match traditional expectations of femininity and family structure. They are the “good husband” and “good wife” pairing, with a perfect outward facing relationship and home life, where the family is the centre of their universes. Of course, people are not always as they seem, as many cheating scandals have shown us.
Performative Feminism
I don’t hear too much about ‘wife guys’ pushing feminist issues (besides in the case of Ned Fulmer, where he was included in videos that regularly contributed a positive voice to topics of gender and sexuality). I’m sure if a “wife guy” was asked; he would take whatever side he thinks his wife would, unless he is a true feminist. The ‘wife guy’ being a true feminist is possible but not common. There are wholesome men out there who do identify strongly feminist, and make content, but they don’t over perform / overcompensate their relationships. Declaring on camera that: “the woman I married is amazing” a dozen times is not enough to be feminist; people are appreciated for both words and actions. If there is a ‘wife guy’ who actively participates in discussions about feminism and believes it, then sure; he’s a feminist. However, if a 'wife-guy' actively uses his relationship to garner profit, they might just be a wolf wearing sheep clothing. Encouraging authentic feminism from men, shouldn’t be hard for the men who truly mean it.
If a man wants to show they are feminist, they can attend rallies, speak up and support the feminists in their lives, there doesn’t need to be a big song and dance, we already know that they love their wife. Men who exhibit performative husbandry should be put more to task to prove their intent? Ask a “Wife-guy” what has he done for the community his wife is part of, does he listen when she talks about Roe v Wade? What does he do when a derogatory comment is made about a female co-worker? Does he care about intersectionality? Saying that his wife is perfect should not be a “wife-guys” only contribution to feminism. Nithya Venkat wrote for The Wake that, “In order to stop the cycle of the disappointing male feminist, we need to encourage authentic activism... We need to look into the systems in place that people with power abuse to prey on their audiences and victims.”
In relationships, overcompensating looks like suffocating and love-bombing, and could be concealing something unhealthy within the relationship. In the case of the men described above, they are celebrities, so there’s no way of knowing how much of their branding was accurate to how they treated the spouse they spent their careers hopelessly fawning over. The ‘wife guy’ is the type of man that men think are feminist, when in reality...they’re just compensating for something.
Sources:
Wendy Wang, Institute for Family Studies, 2017, Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America,
https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america
Aja Romano, Vox, 2022, Cheating Scandals Hit Different Right Now
https://www.vox.com/culture/23387679/cheating-scandals-adam-levine-nia-long-try-guys-ned-fulmer
DI&S, 2022, Infidelity Statistics for 2022: Who cheats more, Men or Women?
https://discreetinvestigations.ca/infidelity-statistics-who-cheats-more-men-or-women/
Stuart Haggas, 2021, LGBT Hero, Infidelity and the gay community: Do gay men struggle to be faithful?
https://www.lgbthero.org.uk/fs164-infidelity-and-the-gay-community
Kendra Cherry, 2022, Compensation and Defence Mechanisms
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-compensation-2794972
Shahida Arabi, MA, 2017, PsychCentral, 11 Signs You’re the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse,
https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/11-signs-youre-the-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse#1
Publisher, A. (2016). 4.5 The Benefits and Costs of Being Male. [online] open.lib.umn.edu. Available at: https://open.lib.umn.edu/socialproblems/chapter/4-5-the-benefits-and-costs-of-being-male/.
Vankat, N. (2022), Myth of the Male Feminist, The Wake Magazine
https://wakemag.org/voices/2022/11/3/myth-of-the-male-feminist