By Esther Taylor (she/her)
Content warning: It is important to note that there is enormous pain and trauma for many people who have lived within the evangelical Church and are now no longer living within that space. Please take the time you need to look after yourself. It might not be the right time for you to read this article as it may be too raw and painful. That is ok; come back when you feel you’re in a better space.
This article will deconstruct how evangelical Christianity adopts coercive methods to maintain control of its congregation. It will be based on my own experiences growing up in the evangelical Church, and available research that focuses on this area. I hope that the stories and information below will help some find comfort in knowing that they are not alone, and allow others to shower themselves in empathy and kindness. For reference, the following definition will be used: coercive control targets "…a victim's autonomy, equality, liberty, social supports and dignity in ways that compromise the capacity for independent, self-interested decision-making vital to escape and effective resistance to abuse" (Stark, 2012). I will be focusing on the systems that enforce these behaviours rather than speaking to individuals within Church culture. Many of the behaviours aren't specific to individual churches and can be seen across evangelical churches worldwide. Although the concepts within this article are huge and multilayered, this will be a brief exploration into some of the similarities between domestic and family violence (DFV), coercion and control, and religious behaviours that promote obedience. It is important to note that this article isn't looking at the weaponising of religion as a form of DFV or the individual acts of abuse from perpetrators. But rather, the normalised behaviours within the culture.
This isn't an easy article to write. My church was my world for 21 years. They were my family, my community, and my friends. I had no concept of what the world outside of my church was. Over the past seven years, I have gone through the painful process of questioning all the concrete absolutes I used to believe, from women's roles, spirituality, LGBTQI+ rights, white saviour complexes, and the use of shame as a method of control. For some context, my father church planted (started the church) in a small suburb and led that church for about 20 years. It was small (maybe 10 families). I was told that it was small because we did things differently from other churches. Out of my other three siblings, I was a true believer. My greatest fear in life was not being a follower of Jesus, becoming a backslider, or rejecting the Church. I was also home-schooled for most of my schooling (which many would know can be very insular). My parents were hands down the strictest of any of my friends’, with many parents using my family as a threat for their kids' behaviour saying, "Do you want to go live with the Taylors?". When I talk about how painful it has been for me leaving the Church, it is far more than the grief associated with losing friends. It is losing your total sense of reality, fearing the wrath of God and hell constantly, and needing to develop a sense of self in your 20's.
Enough about me though, let's dive into analysing the similarities between coercive control within DFV and the relationship between evangelical Christianity and individuals. Using Stark’s example, let's start off with how the evangelical Church targets an individual's autonomy. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the word ‘autonomy’ means "The ability to make your own decisions without being controlled by anyone else" (Cambridge University Press, 2021). The concept of autonomy that I grew up with was around my ability to choose right from wrong. I could choose to obey God, my parents and elders, or I could choose to sin and be wilful. I had no control over what I was allowed to believe in (I had no choice but to be Christian). I had no control over what I could wear ("modest is hottest" (West, 2021)) and or what I could say (no swearing or blasphemy, or talking about sex). I had no control over who I could see (other conservative Christians), where I could go and what information I could consume (all information was reviewed by my mother before consumption).
While being a child under the authority of their parents is different from being an adult, Church culture also has expectations around a person's behaviour. There are rules on male and female relationships outside of marriage; the language a person uses, the people a person associates with, and the questions a person may be asking about religion. There are also rules around what women should wear, how men and women should behave, investment of money and time, and other areas that may be more specific to certain groups. The idea of autonomy, again, is in the context of choosing righteousness over sin. It is choosing to obey the spoken, and unspoken, rules of the Church. While within these systems, it feels like you have control and free will, looking at the broader picture, you must question what incentivises people to conform. While many social groups contain pressures to fit in at the risk of being excluded (McLeod, 2016), the difference between conformity and coercion and control is the fear of Hell, death, and the shame of acting immorally. Church culture often doesn't promote autonomy and the freedom of individual thought; it is a world that operates in the black and white, the good and the bad, the righteous and the damned (Bevan-Lee, 2018). My question is, can one make decisions for themselves where there is the fear of eternal damnation? An eternity of separation from all things good? The judgement, condemnation, and rejection of your community and family? Does this environment allow for freedom of choice? Or does it maintain control by reminding, convincing, and "convicting" the individual in the name of God, about the dire risks associated with them breaking away from the group, wrapped up and presented as salvation, forgiveness, and love? As a child, I would regularly experience nightmares about going to Hell, often waking up in sweats, terrified and praying that I would be saved, swearing to do better in the morning. After spending time in the #exevangelical space, I have found that I am not alone in experiencing these nightmares.
Equality
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of equality means "the right of different groups of people to receive the same treatment" (Cambridge University Press, 2021). In looking at the role of equality between the evangelical Church and its congregation, there is no question around the continued debate and tension that sits within with secular culture. The Church holds many views that create and sustain inequality among members. It also actively supports the disempowerment of minority groups. The lack of equality is justified and defended by hand-picked Bible verses, supporting the continuance of patriarchal and damaging systems. All the while preaching sin (the human condition) as being the ultimate equaliser. Women and gender-fluid people face some of the most significant inequalities in the Church, as the Church has much to say on these issues. It seemed to be a woman's lifelong mission to find joy in being the servers, the carers, the comforters (Doyle, 2020). Being a woman to me was a complete dedication to the denial of self. The more selfless, the less of a human with needs you could be, the better woman, wife, sister, mother you were deemed (Doyle, 2020).
On the other hand, men were fed ideas around what a "leader" looks like, encouraging them to "step up", take the lead and control. They are told from birth that they will be the “head of the home” (Alard, 2020). Men are taught to seek out godly women, encouraging them to find a woman who can submit to them wholeheartedly and happily, a woman who will empower their leadership (Alard, 2020) and support all their decisions with little to no question.
Liberty
Liberty has been defined as "the freedom to live as you wish or go where you want" (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Within Church culture, you have two choices: to sin or to not sin. What constitutes sin, or the weight of the particular sin, is often defined by the specific group, church, or denomination. Every choice in life becomes a moral choice. Often leading to repetitive checking and reflecting on that state of one's heart. I would question, and be questioned by friends, asking myself “did that conversation glorify God”? Did my actions reflect Jesus? Did I warn that person enough of the peril of Hell that is before them? Did what I wear reflect my heart for Christ? Liberty is hindered in the sense that you believe you are being watched, judged, or under surveillance, and not just by the omnipresent God, but also by the Christian community.
Furthermore is the anxiety of thoughts and feelings. Constantly checking and making sure that your thoughts are pure and holy. Repenting for ungodly thoughts, including questioning one's faith. For me, this wasn't just everyone in my immediate church, but also members of the extended Christian community. Being a pastor's child, it felt as though everyone knew who you were, and everything (and I mean everything) would somehow make it back to your parents. The constant fear, constant checking, and continuous repenting manifested itself as severe anxiety disorders once I started distancing myself from the Church. I question if it is possible, when dedicated and committed to being the best Christian you can be, to even allow yourself to critically think about what others, and people of authority, are telling you? To question "truth" or the absolutes? I felt that questioning my faith, or what my parents taught, was Satan tempting me away from the truth. That Satan was trying to create a foothold in my life to take me away from Christ, from my faith, salvation, and eternity in Heaven.
Social supports
Stark’s definition of coercive control includes the controlling of social supports. The American Psychological Association defines social supports as "providing assistance or comfort to others, typically to help them cope with biological, psychological, and social stressors. Support may arise from any interpersonal relationships in an individual's social network, involving family members, friends, neighbours, religious institutions, colleagues, caregivers, or support groups" (American Psychological Association, 2020). This is a very complex area to deconstruct as the Church, for many, is their primary support. However, help can be restricted to only being sourced internally. For example, counselling is only acceptable if provided by the pastor or an elder in the Church. This makes “help-seeking behaviours” again moral. If someone seeks help outside of the Church or the faith, the advice or support is quickly criticised and dismissed. Support networks often become incestuous and insular. An example of this, which I personally experienced, was supporting my youngest sister to receive psychological help from a clinical psychologist for her eating disorder. I would pick my sister up, take her to the appointment, pay for the appointment, and bring her home. Due to the clinical psychologist not disclosing their faith, my parents actively worked against my sister from attending. For many Christians, the idea is to stick exclusively with Christians in the forms of "support". This, at times, can become life-threatening as you can become isolated and receive advice from unqualified people.
Dignity
Last but not least, we are going to look at Stark’s last element of coercive control: "dignity...compromise[s] the victim's capacity for independence, self-interested decision making, which is vital to escape and effective resistance to abuse" (Stark, 2012). I want to focus on two main areas regarding the dignity of individuals. These are the areas of independence and self-interested decision making, and how these two areas are significantly impacted when highly enmeshed within Church culture. I can only speak to my experience of autonomy within the context of the evangelical Church, however; I believe that I am not alone in these experiences. I would consider myself a reasonably independent thinker now. But, before the last seven years, independent thinking or independent decision making was an undesirable and even dangerous personality trait. While I have mentally broken free of many of the messages I received as a girl: "no man will want you if you are too strong", "your opinions emasculate men", "Esther, you are too much sometimes", I would say that I am still quite dependent.
Now hear me out. I went from living under my father's authority to living under the "authority" of my husband. I have never been expected to be a sole financial earner or responsible for mowing, taking the bins out, cooking, or maintaining a home. Due to wanting an equal marriage, most of the tasks within my marriage were divided equally. However, I have always had a safety blanket. I wasn't taught to be self-reliant, with much of the messaging being "your husband will look after you". This has instilled a very damaging belief that I hold in not feeling capable of being entirely independent. I don't think that I could live on my own. This can be incredibly trapping for many women who have a diminished sense of independence and belief that they are resilient and resourceful. In some marriages where there are solid patriarchal practices, "the man is the head of the home", women are left to maintain the home and raise children. Still, they are excluded from problem-solving, financial management, and decision making. This can leave women additionally vulnerable and potentially limited in their ability to resist abuse.
The second point is self-interested decision making. This is a somewhat complicated space if you haven't grown up within evangelical Church culture. I will attempt to walk you through how a person's sense of self and ability to advocate for their own interests has been systematically dismantled, making it incredibly difficult to escape the abusive systems you are in. I have tried to depict in the diagram below, showing the ideology, context, and then the impact, and how it directly restricts a person from leaving the abusive environment or even identifying the abuse. There becomes a deep sense of distrust between a person's mind and natural responses to life, through the demonisation of thoughts, feelings, and desires. Others’ voices also become amplified and prioritised as they are vessels for God to speak to you, and a way for the Holy Spirit to convict (bring sin to a personal awareness so they can repent) a person of their sin. Self-belief, or the ability to identify and advocate for one's self-interest, is seen as selfish and self-absorbed. It can be viewed as initial stages of "backsliding", "self-idolisation", "giving in to the world/flesh", and an overall lack of devotion and trust in God.
This doesn't even touch on the active role shame plays in holding people within abusive religious spaces. My experience of the Church and being a "good Christian" was summarised as the more shame you felt, the better person you were. The more areas of your life you could feel shame around, the closer to God you were. It was seen as dying to self, dying to the world, and embodying godliness. I grew up hating myself. I hated the essence of me, for I was sin manifested, in a continual war between myself and godliness, never being able to reach a sense of self-acceptance. I was broken, innately fallen, and there was nothing I could do to ever fix that but to habitually repent, seek forgiveness for my brokenness, and promise myself I would do better.
There is limited research within this space for me to draw upon. What is written here is my experience and where I am at in deconstructing the evangelical worldview I was so rigidly brought up in. This in no way represents everyone's experiences of the evangelical Church. However, it is my experiences and the experiences of many others who have shared their stories. The correlation between coercion and control and the evangelical Church is eerily similar to that of a DFV relationship. There are parallels in how a power structure can damage and abuse people, holding them captive. I hope this piece will let others, who have had similar experiences, know that they are not alone, that they aren't evil for walking away or distancing themselves from the Church. I see you, and it is normal and ok to grieve the certainty you once held.
Bibliography
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American Psychological Association. (2020). APA Dictionary of Psychology: Social Support. Retrieved from American Psychological Association: https://dictionary.apa.org/social-support
Bevan-Lee, D. (2018, November 11). Religious Trauma in Childhood. Retrieved from Donna J Bevan- Lee Psychotherapist: http://www.donnabevanlee.com/uncategorized/religious-trauma-in-childhood/
Cambridge University Press . (2021, June 23). Liberty. Retrieved from Cambridge Dictionary: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/liberty
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