By Miranda Park (she/her)
Our understanding of boundaries has changed so much over the past few months. We’ve been setting them, restructuring them, abiding by them and even trying to evade them. Many of us are just starting to break free from the physical boundaries of our houses as restrictions ease, while others (like my fellow Melbournians) are back to looking at the same four walls of our bedrooms. And some people have resorted to creative ways of maintaining their physical boundaries for the sake of social distancing.
During this strange time, it’s been interesting to consider how the gradual breakdown of physical boundaries may have necessitated a need to set firmer emotional and mental ones. When restrictions initially lifted in Victoria, I found that after months of chatting to my friends on Zoom, the relief of finally seeing them for our *socially distanced* in-person catchups was often overshadowed by how completely exhausted I was afterwards. I felt like the living embodiment of that meme about introverts, where after two hours of hanging out with friends, I needed two weeks of hardcore hibernating to recharge my social batteries. Even the most extroverted among us may have found that they’d come away from an outing feeling more fatigued and vulnerable than they usually do.
But to get frustrated over our rusty socialising skills is hardly the kind of patience and care we should be affording ourselves as we slowly ease back into a “normal” routine. We can’t expect to simply bounce back from what seems like a millennium of isolation and solitude. Instead, it might be valuable to consider the types of boundaries we can set in order to feel a little less overwhelmed and a little more in control of our lives.
Please note: I think it’s important to flag that you don’t need a global pandemic to occur in order to feel justified in setting boundaries to protect yourself. No matter the time, place or situation, boundaries can and should be a healthy part of our everyday lives.
I read a wonderful article by July Westhale on the beauty of setting boundaries, in which she writes that “boundaries are necessary for cultivating and protecting the work you’ve done on yourself”. To use a really bad analogy, they’re like the fence you would build around your front yard, to stop people nicking the roses you’ve spent a whole season carefully watering and pruning. But perhaps this fence analogy – and even the word “boundary” itself – can be misleading because it conveys the idea that you’re isolating yourself or blocking people out. Herein lies much of the stigma associated with setting boundaries. Moreover, this stigma is often gendered. On this topic, Westhale writes:
We are taught, especially people socialised as female [or women], that:
We have no right to boundaries
Putting up boundaries means sacrificing love and care
Putting up boundaries means people will leave rather than invest the time to respect them
Putting up boundaries is cold-hearted, or less vulnerable than not
Putting up boundaries means you are inflexible, unavailable to change
I think this list encapsulates so many of the unfair expectations placed on women; to provide emotional labour and support, to always be approachable and accommodating, to put the needs of others before our own so as to avoid disappointing people or appearing selfish. While maintaining flexible boundaries is not necessarily a negative thing, having these expectations can pressure women into letting their boundaries become too malleable or be sacrificed altogether, therefore undoing the hard work we’ve put into cultivating them. Moreover, for those who struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth, they may feel like they are not entitled to have any boundaries at all.
What has helped me to combat the stigma of boundaries is to think of them as a type of love language. They are a love language to ourselves because they are a form of self-care. But they are also a love language to the people with whom we wish to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship. As Westhale insightfully puts it, “what a concept to realise that setting boundaries is something that usually happens because you love the people involved”. If you still feel a niggling sense of guilt when it comes to your boundaries, it may be beneficial to think of them as tools which fortify our relationships with others, rather than walls we build to keep them out.
Another thing that has changed my mentality about boundaries is a piece of advice given by Mark Manson, author of the wildly popular book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Manson writes that boundaries function in a cyclical manner, in that they “create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health”. While previously (and very problematically), I had considered boundaries to be the result of a person’s inability to cope with the stresses of their life, it was a revelation to think that boundaries are in fact a sign of emotional wellbeing. They also set the foundations for our emotional wellbeing by:
Promoting better self-esteem
Conserving emotional energy
Fostering more independence and agency
Coming back to the boundaries I’ve established in response to this pandemic, my biggest priority has been to conserve emotional energy when I’m feeling most anxious or overwhelmed. Some of the practices I’ve adopted to help me navigate and stay in control of these feelings have been:
Taking time away from social media: This has been the most important boundary to help me conserve emotional energy amidst the chaos of COVID-19, the gravity of the Black Lives Matter movement, and just the general state of dysfunctionality that 2020 is in. While weaning myself off social media has been a long and tricky process, I’ve found that practices such as leaving my phone in another room or adding time limits to certain apps have been helpful.
Being careful not to overcommit: My initial response to the easing of restrictions was to embark on a frenzied mission of seeing all my friends, but I ended up overcommitting and completely burning out. I know the last thing we want to do after lockdown is spend even more time by ourselves, but it’s important to balance our commitments (both work and social) with some down time.
Verbalising my boundaries: Setting boundaries can be a challenge in itself, but having the assertiveness to communicate them to people is a whole other hurdle. Saying ‘no’ to things that push the limits of our boundaries can be daunting, but it’s necessary to be upfront with others so they are aware of what those limits are. I am definitely a culprit of assuming from time to time that people can read my mind or body language and know exactly what my boundaries are, without me having to articulate them. For instance, I’ve learnt that I actually need to ask mum to stop barging into my room, instead of just sighing really loudly in the hopes she will get the cue.
These are just some suggestions that have benefited me, but if you have other ideas and practices that have worked for you, please share them with us on our Facebook and Instagram pages or email me at m.park@onewomanproject.org!
Finally, I’d like to highlight that establishing healthy boundaries with others is all about reciprocity. Just as we hope that people will respect our boundaries, we need to be equally as respectful of theirs. We can do so by looking out for cues in their body language and conversational tone (e.g. if they start to avoid eye contact, make nervous gestures, become evasive), or being mindful of not giving unsolicited advice and oversharing. A great practice that I recently learnt, is to ask our parents, partners or close friends if they are in a healthy mental space to be listening to our issues, before we go ahead and start venting or emotionally unburdening ourselves. Especially during this stressful period, honouring people’s boundaries can be a simple way of showing that we care for them.
There’s certainly a lot more to boundaries than what I have covered here, but at the end of the day, boundaries are about trusting your intuition and acting on what feels right for you emotionally, mentally and physically. As my mum always likes to say, “listen to your infallible gut, and you can’t go wrong”.
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To find out more on boundaries, check out:
Chesak, Jennifer, 2018, The No BS Guide to Protecting Your Emotional Space, Healthline.
Earnshaw, Elizabeth, 2019, 6 Types of Boundaries You Deserve To Have (And How To Maintain Them), Mind Body Green.
Manson, Mark, The Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries.
Lee, Mary Kate, 2020, “This Work is Exhausting, Don’t Let it Exhaust You: Setting Emotional Boundaries to Prevent Fatigue”. Lerner Centre for Public Health Promotion, Issue Brief 28.
If you need support during this time, please contact any of the following:
Lifeline
13 11 14
Beyond Blue
1300 22 4636